生日流水帐

昨天的生日过得不错。

上午去公司勤奋工作+给妈妈打电话。 下午特别请假半天和xiao一起过。

阳光灿烂的午后去烫头发，生平第一次正儿八经地烫卷发，xiao陪我在salon里呆了足足四个多钟头，中间实在等不及了，他终于按捺不住，让“阿松”给他也捎带着来了个haircut。

傍晚去mall里退两条裙子，买来俩多礼拜，标签儿都还没撕下来呢，xiao看了说太短不好看，那咱就拿去退。 然后用因为生日得到的三个gift cards去买了裙子和丝袜。

晚上去Crazy Buffet大吃，吃起来不象从前那么好吃，可能是因为给过生日的人for free的缘故吧。

烫头发和逛街的时候，有好几位好友打电话来说生日快乐，很温暖我心，尤其是“宽儿”从大不列颠打来的，她总是记得我的生日。

今年收到的两张生日卡片的封面图案不约而同都是猫咪，很投狒所好。

贴两张新发型的照片吧，是昨天晚上回家临睡前换完睡裙照的，比较懒散。

说实话，这头发越看越像煮得半生不熟的方便面，嗯。

没准儿我也会象“宽儿”那样在烫完卷发的两个礼拜后去做头发拉直。

在这个终于“不2”的生日里（引自“宽儿”给我的B-day card)，
我得到的最好的生日礼物就是xiao临时决定飞来看我，而且延长了机票陪我过了两个礼拜之久……

Learning to be strong...

I really don't wanna look pathetic although a lot of friends care about me. I know that I gotta be strong during this difficult time, for my parents at least. But everytime when I asked myself: "Being my parents' only child, what they gave me birth and raised me up for?", I became speechless with tears. I did plan to go back home by searching online for the flight info, airfare, visa appointment schedule, etc. It was just a couple of clicks away to book my airticket the other day. I almost did it. But I can't do so due to a couple of issues.

In the past few days, I cried a lot and could burst into tears at any minute. I don't wanna share my sadness in the bottom of my heart with anybody else since I just simply don't wanna spread it. It'll take some time to digest, cure and reside in my heart by itself, I believe.

I call my parents at least twice a day when it's around my dad's lunch time and when my mom goes back home from the hospital alone around 9pm. I really wanted to try my best to make them laugh, but most of the time it's the other way around. Their braveness and optimism cheer me up and make me so proud of them.

Thanks to God that my dad's situation is stabilized and getting better and better. I'll continue to pray for his full recovery. I know a few friends who love me are praying for him as well.

I appreciate xiao came down here to be with me for one week. He is the one who shows up to walk with me whenever I'm experiencing hard times. I'm so thankful that I have him.

挥之不去的悲伤!

不论我怎么在大太阳底下边走边啃苹果

不论我怎么一面把音乐放到几乎要震碎耳膜, 一面疯狂地埋头工作

不论我怎么在BBS上蹦来跳去继续作以前那只快乐的大猴子

不论我怎么在别人面前摆出若无其事什么都没在发生的淡漠表情

不论我怎么时时处处对自己大喊除了坚强你别无选择

不论我怎么用镇定自若的声音在电话里让所有的人都听不出来我这边在泪如雨下

......

都无法挥去盛放在我这颗悲伤满溢心里的一丝悲伤!

所有的悲伤都是我的, 我要全部留给自己.

……

现在是凌晨两点多。。。
刚才躺在床上的近两个小时里，我一直是睁大了眼睛，呆呆地瞪着天花板，尽量不去想任何事情， 任凭眼角两行液体不停的涌出、肆意的流淌，完全湿透了两鬓的头发。。。

前年是二舅，去年是奶奶，现在是爸爸！ 一模一样的可怕的病症！ 真希望这是一场噩梦，不是真的！！

今晚给几位亲人分别打了电话，他们都统一口径，故意瞒着我，说家里一切都好。 但不祥的预感让我一直忐忑不安。 只好让xiao先打电话给我家，然后我再打电话给xiao，让他把我悄悄联进conference call里。 听着电话中妈妈跟xiao说了这四天里发生的一切，爸爸现在正躺在心脑血管专科的特别加护病房里，做了脑CT等各种检测，现在还要进一步检查，爸爸现在的右半边身体不灵活，不能走路，右臂不能用力，右手握不成拳。

妈妈还想让xiao合作一起继续瞒我。 电话这边的我已经泪流满面，使劲憋着不哭出声。 xiao告诉了妈妈其实我也在听，妈妈怔住了一下，我强忍着，努力保持正常的声音，安慰妈妈，让她一定坚强，家里不能再有任何人病倒了。 妈妈听起来很镇定乐观，她正积极地为爸爸联系心脑科专家。 她还反过来安慰我，要我别太担心，好好工作。 打完电话，终于可以痛哭失声。